The Weekend Pages

If love visits me again, I hope I get treated right.  I hope love is brave enough to break the walls I built around me. I hope love will be patient enough. And I hope love chooses to stay. A friend once told me how love looked pretty on me.  But love turned me cold and left me.  Sucked the life out of me.  Made me anxious and vulnerable.  Love betrayed me.  I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to love again.  If also not sure if love will come in my life again.  But I'll hold on to this arabic quote,  "He came as a soul for my soul." I trust that love will find its way to me.  For now, I'll hide behind my walls and heal myself.  -E. 

It's been months but it still hurts seeing your favorite cafe. Whenever I pass by Coffee Project, it's you whom I remember.  I'll always recall how much you loved black coffee and how you were able to extend your use of the café's internet with your IT skills. I miss the time when you asked me out on a date after my shift 2 years ago.  I loved your spontaneity. I love the unplanned lunch date on a work weekday. I miss your messages. How our 500 pesos can take us to 2 places. How you introduced me to your world and how I learned to love it. I loved our silence. Your silence never made me anxious. In fact, it was calming. It let my guards and walls down. I loved how I could still do what I wanted and be myself while spending the day with you. The silence between us wasn't deafening. I don't feel anxious when I'm with you. You listened patiently when I talked excessively about a book or when I was crying because I had weird dreams again.  I miss how you used to...

The minute I heard Taylor Swift's new album, my heart fell in love instantly to one of her songs, Bigger Than The Whole Sky. It made me remember someone I never even get the chance to see and hold.  The song hits home and it became my favorite. Sky is one of the reason why I am addicted to pretty skies and sunsets.  This photo was taken this year after my shift. I was walking home when I noticed how pretty the sky was. Despite the scorching heat of the Sun, I managed to take this photo and I instantly liked it. I'm not a photographer but I liked how it turned out.  The second photo was taken on our family beach trip last June 2022.  Took this at my old place. I was sad and drained but Sky made me happy. Showed me how beautiful life is despite the ups and downs.  The sky mimics my mood. I was in love when Sky showed its pretty colors. I love the fact that all of my photos were not edited. The world looks different w...

Empathy: the superpower nobody warns you about. They say it’s the key to a fulfilled life. Honestly? I don’t know who “they” are — I probably made that up. But it sounds poetic, doesn’t it? Empathy is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because it allows you to truly understand others — to feel their pain, to be the light in their dark and narrow tunnel. But it’s also a curse, because people will take advantage of that light. And that, my friend, is exhausting. Having a soft heart can be a burden. It makes you a magnet for narcissists — their favorite kind of person. Why? Because you’re easy to manipulate. Easy to control. They’ll drain your energy, siphon your light to fill their own emptiness, and leave you hollow. Speaking from experience, this year has been one of the most draining I’ve ever had. Many of us were betrayed. Our spirits bruised. Mine especially. I’ve always been the go-to friend — the advisor, the comforter, the one who listens when everything falls apart. And wh...

Maintaining a good and stable mental health is essential for everybody. Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and many more have been the highlight during the peak of COVID-19.  I'm no psychologist, but my Mommyta is. Whenever things go south, there's only one person I run into. Her. She's a combination of warmth and comfort. Logical and understanding.  We were on our way to Starbucks when I told her what happened to my friend earlier this year and how the experience made an impact on me.  She then uttered the words, " help is futile when help is not welcome. " It made sense. The following points below are the things we both agreed on.  1. Self help is useless if you don't grieve and accept your reality.  2. Emotional support from friends is useless if you resist help.  3. Happiness is a choice and will always be a choice.  I know a lot of people who asks for help but don't really help themselves. Sometimes, you need to pull yourself away from t...

It was late November when you said you loved me. I remember the exact moment. Not because it was beautiful— but because it was the beginning of the end. Looking back, I wasn’t special.  Just another girl you entertained when summer got boring.  I wanted to believe I mattered.  But deep down, I knew I didn’t. I won’t blame you.  I showed up.  I said yes. I was hungry for love—yours, specifically. And that night at the café?  I wish I hadn’t gone. You didn’t break me.  I walked into it with open eyes. I fell for the version of you that never existed.  And you? You loved me just enough to keep me close— until you didn’t. It wasn’t love.  It was a lesson. —E. (I wrote this poem after getting my heart broken by my almost. It was difficult yet I survived. I know you will too. Heal, love. Heal unapologetically.) -Dec, 2019

Give it time. My friend said to me after I shared how lonely I was. I told her how the deafening silence is slowy getting into my sanity, and how my cry for help was deliberately ignored.  Some may say, I need to be in a relationship to be happy, to laugh again. I just don't feel like it. The thought from jumping from one relationship to another scares me the most. I fear that my vulnerability will be the death of me. That another person will use me for his own convenience.  I stand firm in my principles and a decision has been made. I will not tie or associate myself to any casual relationship. I'm more than that. I deserve something real and true.  I hate to admit it but I crave for a soul connection than casual interaction. Love is different when you know you've touched each other's souls. Every inch, every part of it...is yours and yours alone.  Give it time. I now understand its gravity. Give it time and surely, you'll know who's who.  -E. 

I was 11 years old when I read one of Maeve’s books entitled, Whitethorn Woods. At first, I wasn’t thrilled and I didn’t feel anything when my Mommy bought it for me. I was too engrossed with murder mysteries at the time. (Talk about Agatha Christie!)   However, her writing proved me wrong. Her works touched my soul and changed my perspective about love and life forever. I fell in love even more when I bought ‘Nights of Rain and Stars” in 2016 and " Tara Road" in 2017. I was in college then taking up arts course.  For me, it was the most magical month. I cried a ton when Shane beat Fiona, after he heard the news that the latter was pregnant. I was 16 and emotional. I know nothing of the real world but I felt Fiona’s pain. It was heartbreaking because I resonated with Fiona’s situation.  Or when Danny Lynch was caught cheating and had to give up their beautiful home in Tara Road to be with his mistress. ( Infidels!)  I could never get my hands off o...

I never really am an expert when it comes to relationships and most especially in love. But I have my fair share of heartbreaks and experiences that makes me qualified to talk about it in this blog. I was mindlessly scrolling on Facebook. Another day of minding my own business when I scrolled past some posts shared by my friends.. The post goes like this “ wala kay uyab” or something closer to any post that indicates that a person is single and is looking for attention or affection.  It’s not like I have something against them looking for love and their companion but personally, posting all this stuff on socmed makes you a prey to our fellow narcissists. You see, narcissists prey on the weak. Yes, the weaklings and the vulnerable. I hate to break it to you and most importantly, I hate to be the bearer of the bad news, but you honey, is making yourself available to more hurt and betrayal.  Well, I have to admit, I’m not perfect. I’ve also posted some stuff before in my teen...

To tell you the truth, I’m not a genius. I don’t share the same neurons as Albert Einstein. I don’t have any Nobel prizes. I’ve always considered myself average. Just an average girl. But this “average” girl graduated as Valedictorian in high school in 2015. I received medals, full scholarships, and recognition that I never imagined I could earn. I was proud of myself. The struggles and tears I shed just to graduate with honors and secure a scholarship for college were worth it. I was in my second year of high school when I promised myself I would finish with the highest honor I could attain. I wanted to make my grandmothers proud. It was my way of saying thank you for raising me and sending me to school. I prayed hard and studied harder. I just wanted to avoid summer classes. But I flunked one subject and ended up attending summer school. That experience taught me not to take anything for granted. It didn’t matter whether I graduated as Valedictorian or Salutatorian. I just wanted eno...

Back in the days when working students were not glorified, it was a hard time for the broke 17-year old me. I had no confidence in interviews. I'm too awkward to apply for a job. The only job I was able to pull off was getting accepted as CBAA's Student Assistant.  It was around the great era of 2016-2017 where times were tough for our family. I lost my scholarship and both of my Lola died. No inheritance was given because we have to pay for our debts and hospital bills.  Prior to that year, we sold our house out of desperation. I couldn't blame my grandmother for doing so. She needs the money for us to continue our studies.  I was pretty confident that I'll pass my exams and graduate but I fell in love and got too distracted. Distracted that I went from responsible to a complete jackass. I lost my scholarship because I was too complacent. I have to admit my suffering was partly my fault. I added fuel to the fire. I stayed and got burned by my own recklessness.  But ...