Reasons why I don't want to go back to Coffee Project

It's been months but it still hurts seeing your favorite cafe. Whenever I pass by Coffee Project, it's you whom I remember. 

I'll always recall how much you loved black coffee and how you were able to extend your use of the café's internet with your IT skills. I miss the time when you asked me out on a date after my shift 2 years ago. 

I loved your spontaneity. I love the unplanned lunch date on a work weekday. I miss your messages. How our 500 pesos can take us to 2 places. How you introduced me to your world and how I learned to love it.

I loved our silence. Your silence never made me anxious. In fact, it was calming. It let my guards and walls down. I loved how I could still do what I wanted and be myself while spending the day with you. The silence between us wasn't deafening. I don't feel anxious when I'm with you. You listened patiently when I talked excessively about a book or when I was crying because I had weird dreams again. 

I miss how you used to pat my head to calm me down, just because I had this recurring dream of myself dying. I miss how you explain things I don't understand in a gentle tone despite my short temper and sharp tongue at times. 

I used to take those moments for granted and I regret why I didn't make the most out of it. 

Being with you in this cafe made me feel safe. Like as if the world around me didn't matter. As long as I'm with you, everything is still, calm, and silent. 

I miss you. I hope you know this fact. I miss the calmness of what we have. Without you, my life turned out to be as chaotic as I expected and I became pretentious about me being okay. Every month, I spent my nights drinking and laughing but I was not happy. I never was after you. 

9 months have passed by, and I rejected suitors not because I have standards (I use that as my excuse) but because I don't feel safe with them. I feel used. I doubt their intentions. They want me because of what I can offer. It's the opposite of what you made me feel. You wanted and loved me because of who I am, and that made me love you more. 

People may love me but they don't see me as me. They see me as someone they can seek shelter and comfort. And I feel sad. I feel used. 

If given the chance to do it all over again with you, I would. I would do it again with you. But there's too much damage. You ripped my heart from my chest, broke it, and smashed it to pieces. 

It took me all my strength to put it back together and live a life of peace. You know how much I love you but love is not enough. You wouldn't take a bullet for me which I would gladly do so for you. It pains me so much that I will never be one of your priorities and I understand. I will always understand despite how much hurt I try to suppress. I don't want to lose you but it's a different story for you. 

It hurts to face the fact of how easy it was for you to dump me. The moment I got that text from you, my world stopped. I couldn't feel my legs and I couldn't breathe. During those months, I never hated you. No, I can't hate you. You brought so much love into my life that hating you is not one of the things I want to do in my healing journey. How easy it is for you to check in and out of my life. You leave whenever you want. You come back whenever you want. You'll always have the upper hand and that makes me upset even more. With a few sweet words and a little pinch of nostalgia, you know that I'll come back and I'll forgive you for hurting me. 

I find it unfair because of the pain I suffered to continue my life without you in it.  You left me defenseless and with tons of unanswered questions. And here you are, with your tales of suffering and denials. I don't know what to believe anymore. Right now, all I want is healing. I want to sleep at night without crying because I'm missing you. I hope I can get by without remembering the moments I treasured so much. 

I hope I won't shed tears for you next year. I'm tired.

-E.