How Anger Became My Drive

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I was driven by hate, ambition, frustration, and poverty when I first dreamed of becoming a lawyer.

People thought I was smart. But no—I was just average. I got good grades because I worked hard. I memorized the periodic table. I solved math problems. I sharpened my communication skills. I built confidence in public speaking.

And most of all— I hated men.

Every time I outperformed a guy in class, I felt it. That rush. That strange satisfaction. Watching someone with an XY chromosome come second. Turns out, there’s a word for that: schadenfreude.

But I won’t point fingers. I won’t blame every man for my pain. It was a choice I made—to carry that hate. I hated my Lolo and Papa for leaving us. I hated the domestic abuse my mom endured.It was heavy. The hate I carried—it was heavy. But I thrived. Because I was always in motion. I made plans. I made them happen.

I was young. I knew nothing about relationships or the real world. I was shaped by the words of my mom and lola: “Never trust men.”

Back then, I knew my purpose. I wanted to be a lawyer to defend women. To tear down cheating husbands. I was certain. Until love and life happened.

Now that I’m an adult, I have to admit—I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m still in school. Quitting isn’t an option. But I feel lost. There’s a void inside me that nothing seems to fill. I go out to clear my head, but my wallet tells me to stay home.

I want to study, but my subjects don’t spark joy. Still, I know I need to get serious when my major subjects come. If I want to pass. If I want to graduate.

The only thing I’m sure of? I need an adventure. I want to disconnect from the world.

I don’t want a relationship right now. I’m afraid I’ll lose myself again. I’m not ready to commit. In a world full of uncertainty, love is the last thing on my checklist.

A friend told me to enjoy this feeling— this sense of no direction. To go with the flow. To smile often.

So I did.

2022 was challenging. And I know there’s more to come.

In this moment of hopelessness and confusion, I hope I can still see the beauty life is trying to teach me. I’ll take my time. I won’t rush. I have control over my life. And I’ll get to where I’m supposed to be.

Years from now, I might be your teacher. Or your lawyer.

Either way, I’ll make sure I’ve unloaded my baggage. And that I’ve lived my life on my own terms.

-E.

[From the 2022 archives]

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