On the pursuit of chasing my dreams & academic burnout

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Is it just me or does everyone go through this phase wherein they don’t know what to do with their lives now. I was always the girl with a plan– from A to C. A contingency plan is ready in case "plan A" goes south and haywire. Right now, I’m in the middle of not knowing what to do, wanting to move forward, and scared to go out of my comfort zone. 

My comfort zone however drains me and I don't think I can handle it anymore. I feel like a robot doing the same thing everyday and every time I complain because of exhaustion, I get to be the negative one and the bad guy. 

Where do I even place myself in this world full of misconceptions and blame, of productivity and hustling hard to the point you lose a lot of hair? It’s hard to express your exhaustion when the world is blinded with toxic positivity-- an escape to the harsh reality.

Despite all the shenanigans that this year has brought to me, I’m still grateful. Grateful for all the experiences– the good and the bad. 

I wrote the first few paragraphs last year when I was still studying and working at the same time. It was mentally and financially draining for most part. Fast forward to April 2024, I’ve decided to take a gap year/sem from school; with only 5 subjects left until graduation. I know, I know this is not a good idea because I’m almost finished with my course. 

However, one needed a breather and I believe I need this break for my sanity. I am heartbroken for taking a pause in the pursuit of chasing my dreams but the circumstances are against me this time ( again). I often wonder if I’ll ever finish this degree that I fought so hard for 2 years while working my ass off.

I just have to accept life as it is. I may not graduate on time as planned, but I promise to finish it before I turn 30. 


With all love, 

Elaine 

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