I am tired but I have to be grateful

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I honestly don't know where and how to start with this blog entry. I am rambling incomplete thoughts and broken sentences this week in my journal because I can't contain my emotions. 

How should I start this? I asked myself. It's 7:30 AM and I am typing away my thoughts at work. Earlier today, I was journaling at 4:20 AM, and I asked God, "Lord, why do I feel this way towards my work? Why do I feel dissatisfied? Why do I feel impatient towards the job that gives me income and is funding my travels, hobbies, my stomach, and munchkin's needs? A job that placed us in a privileged state -- a roof over our heads, 24/7. A spacious apartment for me and my sister to live in. Clothes to wear, gadgets to feel connected to the world, shoes to protect my feet from blisters and calluses, and among other things - this job helped me get my diploma."

Then I came across a post on Threads, they quoted Jodi Sta. Maria, a Filipina actress, "I am tired but I have to be grateful." Tears immediately streamed from my eyes. With a heavy heart, I asked God and myself again, "I am grateful for Your mercy dear Lord, but why do I feel this then?" I am guilty of ingratitude and comparison. Although, I've already worked on the latter, the "gratitude" part seems to be so hard these days. Is it because I wanted more? Don't all of us wanted more than what we have? The weight of dissatisfaction and disgust bled out from my heart. 

In pleading guilty to these charges, I see how I’ve overlooked the other side of the coin. Perhaps what I need is a fresh lens - to live with the cards laid before me.

Among all others, I am human. Fickle. Changeable. Impatient. But I am trying. I want to see life again with grateful eyes. I want my sparkle back - the kind that finds joy in little things.

E. 

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