This is me trying

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This is me trying to become the best version of myself for me and my loved ones. When you're the eldest daughter, people perceive you as someone who knows everything. I'm someone who has everybody's ass when they need me. Unfortunately, I'm also hanging by a thread and am now losing my mind because of self-doubt. 

I trust God and His plans for me, but I don't want to disappoint my loved ones. I hate to bring the bad news that I failed again. Yes, I'm afraid to be perceived as a failure.

While writing this blog, I realized how hard I am on myself. I take everything to heart-- the rejections, the no's, and the not yet. I sometimes think of contentment, too. Why am I not content with what I have? Why isn’t 'enough' ever enough? Am I just making up excuses to justify my fear of going out of my comfort zone? Why am I rushing?  Why am I delaying? Why am I pressured to be successful? Am I successful? How do I define success? I carry many questions, but the answers still elude me.

So many questions are running through my mind right now, and I need to release them by writing them here. I already wrote my frustrations in my journal, but I need more. I want to cry to my mommy and nanay. I want to run and hug them.

Is this what it really means to be an adult, my? I can't believe you faced this alone. I wish I were stronger, wiser, and calmer. 

Anyhow, I know that this feeling will pass. I also know that God will provide. He will never forsake me. I trust His plans. 

For all the eldest daughters out there, the breadwinners, the mirrorball girlypop... take a deeeeep breath and let's move forward. We can do this. 

We fail, we fall, we stumble... but we stand up and fight. 

With love and light,

E. 

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