How To Make Millions Before Grandma Dies: my journey with grief and depression

How To Make Millions Before Grandma Dies directed by Pat Boonnitipat, was released to the theaters earlier this year. I didn't get the chance to watch it in the cinemas, and I'm thankful I didn't because I knew I'd be bawling my eyes out

Fortunately, Netflix has it available for streaming, and I pressed the play button without thinking twice. Based on the Facebook posts I've seen, I already know the film will be emotional and a tearjerker.

We follow M, who quits his online job ( gaming) to take care of his ill grandma. Although, M had an ulterior motive for the kindness he showed, eventually his love for his grandma took over and changed his mind. His grandmother's unconditional love touched him and it changed him forever. 

When his grandmother thanked him for being there for her, my heart broke. It brought back memories of my own granny. I think the pain you feel after a loved one passes away is distinct, especially if it's your grandma. I recall how the house was silent and gloomy the day after Nanay was buried. My childhood was illuminated by one of their lights, and their death left me wondering what had gone wrong.

Of course, I didn't know it back then. Depression crawled slowly and crept into my heart and mind, and I didn't have any idea. The following year, my Mommy Belen passed away after a failed surgery. That was when I lost my marbles, spark, and my life. Just like how I reacted to Nanay's death, grief crept in slowly. Day by day, I knew something was wrong but I was in denial. I was adamant that I was mentally healthy, that it was still me. The ambitious Elaine. The outgoing Elaine and so on. 

Finally, grief was able to fill every crack and crevice of my heart and I succumbed to its call. I fell down into the abyss. I led myself to my demise by isolating myself from my family. Although M and I have different dispositions in life, I was able to relate to the story. 

I've always hated the idea of suffering at an old age. I wished for a quick death. I don't want the pain of suffering, of loneliness, of old age, and of being hurt by my loved ones over and over again. However, after watching the movie, I realized two things:

1. The pain of being alone at an old age is heartbreaking. But it's part of life's process. At some point, you will be alone and you have to live with it.

2. And, I guess we have to go through that stage to appreciate the life we created when we were younger. Seeing your children and grandchildren healthy and thriving will put your heart in peace.  

Growing old is not as bad as I thought it would be. M's moments with his grandma made me cry a lot, and I had to distract myself by mindlessly scrolling on Instagram. But I don't want to miss any heartbreaking scenes too, I signed up for this, didn't I?

I recommend the movie especially if you just want to cry or if you miss your grandmother.

I shared too much but this is how I connect to my writings, by weaving some of my stories in it.

I hope to write better pieces in the future. Of course, I have to do the hard work too. Maybe, after I've achieved my goals and cross out some places from my bucket list. 

Thanks for reading. 

E.