What scares me the most

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Today, I realized how easy it is to fall in love and fall out of love from someone you swore you'd love forever. I really think that humans are polygamous by nature. We get attracted to others while being in a committed relationship. Men for example, they're the first ones to fall in and out of love and this alone scares me the most. I can't afford spending time with someone who'll leave after a year or two. I can't bear the thought of giving someone my entirety when he's giving me half-hearted love.

I find it unfair. This kind of relationship is unfair and you can't talk me out of it.

Maybe because I saw my lolo leave my lola for another woman. We were on the bus home when my lola got a text from my lolo. The text was meant for the other woman, and I can never forget how she silently cried while consoling my tita. I saw the bruises on my mama's face and body when my papa laid his hand on her. I saw how men can change a woman's life.

I can never forgive and I can't forget how the world treated my grandmother and my mother. In the eyes of a kid at the time, things weren't great but at least I have my books, my sister, and my lola. Only when I grew up did I understand how it feels to be betrayed by the one you loved and you swore to spend your whole life with.

Life was not forgiving in slapping reality to my face. Letting see my situation in a different perspective and under a different light. I was living in hell with my ex-boyfriend. I let him abuse me because I thought it was love. I thought that by giving all you have, you'll get the same amount in return. But I did not. Instead, he continued to take and take until I had nothing left to give. I learned my lesson the hard way and it changed me forever. 

And this is what scares me the most, losing myself again because of men not because of love. I still believe in its purity despite being used as a cover by men to control women. 

Anyways, this is just a thought and I just want to express myself by putting this out in the world. And girls, please prioritize yourselves. 

E.

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