Things I have memorized

I remember how my grandmother let us play while she did the chores all by herself. She tucked us into bed and sometimes told us stories. 

I remember how she woke up early in the morning and cooked for us, and made sure we have what we needed for school. 

She picked us up by three in the afternoon and did more chores. It was just me, my sister, her, and the never ending chores waiting for her. 

I only saw her cry once. She swallowed the pressure of adulthood, marriage, childbirth, and taking care of her grandchildren in silence. She masked her sadness by showing us she was at peace despite her failed marriage. 

She carried the world on her shoulders, that even I would cry if that responsibility was placed on me.

Until one day, she can no longer stand up. She can no longer do the chores all by herself. I saw her light slipped away. And in her last moment, I wished that God would be so kind enough to her that He'll end her misery. As my memory of my childhood fades away, hers didn't. It remained vivid in my mind. 

Only then I realized, I can never do all the things she's done for us. I can never be that strong enough to be okay with the things that hurt me. I can never be somebody's foundation. I will, however, continue to disappoint people. I can never be my grandmother. 

I can never be that woman who swallows betrayal from the man I'll choose to marry and have kids with in silence. I will never be silent. I will never submit to the patriarchy. I will be glad to disappoint a lot of men than be a doormat. 

I can never be my grandmother. 

The things that I have memorized feels like a dagger to my heart. The Angel of Grief won't let me be and just keeps on coming back, haunting me with more memories of my "once a happy childhood turned nightmare."

E.