Relapsing to my “what could have been.”

Seeing graduation photos on FaceBook made me think of the young me. The one with hopes and dreams of becoming a lawyer. The 15- year old me whose heart got shattered by some irrelevant guy in her past. 

I feel sad thinking about her. And every time I do, I can’t stop myself from crying. 

I’m not the smartest kid in the room but I was hardworking. I read and put effort into getting good grades before. The young me was invalidated by everybody whom she considers her friend.

“ Dili man ka bright. Hardworking lang jud ka.”

“Dili nimo deserve ma Valedictorian.”

“ Trying hard ra kaayo ka.”

Those were some of the hurtful comments ( to name a few) that I got when I was young. I admit, I suck at advanced mathematics and physics. I didn’t know how aptitude tests work until today. I hesitate when I speak in English at home because of the fear of getting the “bad grammar” backlash. 

I tried to be the best in my pursuits. I gave my heart and shed tears to get what I want. 

I feel happy when I learn something new. I took my time reading the books I bought from BookSale. I practice my English everyday because I find joy in it. 

People just hate seeing someone happy with what they do. They love the drama. They just don’t want to see you do better than them.

It’s so easy to feel pressured nowadays because of social media. People are posting stuff other people want and the latter gets frustrated. I never thought it would get into me. I never thought envy would swallow me into the depths of its abyss. Until I gave up. I let myself feel the negative emotions that I’ve been suppressing for years. The anger, resentment, and jealousy I feel to the ones who did me wrong resurfaced and met me in its ugliest form.

Seeing them happy made me roll my eyes and seeing them in their downfall made me smile. Am I that terrible that I wish for somebody’s sadness and despair?

Sometimes, I feel bad over their situation and I cry. I couldn’t keep the heavy emotions in my heart for long. So I guess I’m not a terrible person after all. 

I will always remember the 15-year old girl who went on stage and saw the fruits of labor, the 14 medals and certificates she received during graduation was a priceless moment. My “what-ifs and my could have beens” are haunting me everyday.

I could have been a lawyer by now or maybe in law school. 

I could have been a professor by now. 

I could have graduated with latin honors in college.

But I didn’t. Instead, I failed one of my subjects in first year, resulting in me getting stripped off from my scholarship. I didn’t graduate on time even though I tried my best and put my best foot forward during my last year in MSU-IIT. It was due to my circumstances that time that made me drop out from university. It felt like everybody in the world including fate itself was against me that time. 

Nobody wanted to help us. 

Nobody wanted to help me. 

And now, everybody wants my help. 

Everybody wants to keep me in their lives when it's convenient for them. 

However, I don’t dwell with the people who wronged me anymore. It’s taking too much of my energy when I should be focusing on my goals. 

Yes. The little girl’s dream is not dead. I won’t let it die with her.

I will persevere until I get what I wanted 8 years ago. 

And this time, I won’t let anyone or anything stop me from getting that ATTY in my name. 

E.

(Photo source: Pinterest)