My hopes for my Mom

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Me and my mama don't have the usual mother-daughter kind of relationship. Unlike most of you where you and your mom are a lovey-dovey type of people. We don't share that kind of intimacy. And I don't intend to be like most of you as well. It's better off this way. Setting up boundaries from my mom was the hardest decision because there's this thing that we Filipinos say, "maskig balihon ang kalibutan, mama japon nimo cya." However, I disagree with this statement.

Sometimes boundaries are the only way to show you care for them and at the same time mind your own needs. When you're mom is abusive and a gaslighter, you don't want to be around her. I'm not discrediting and putting on some shade on her reputation. I understand why she's like that and I have hopes for her when she's old. 

Sometimes I get emotional when I see some random strangers in the mall or whenever I'm out. I feel guilty for talking back but I also remind myself that I did that for a reason- to protect myself from her abusive ways. I rarely talk or post about my mother because of the shame, guilt, and resentment I feel towards her. I did love her at some point but love is not enough when I got traumatized by her gaslighting and manipulation. It was hard and I was confused about what to do and how to act right.

She's the reason why I'm afraid of marriage and kids now. My heart is in pieces whenever I remember the abuse she got from my Papa before. ( Alright, I came from a dysfunctional family. That's why my walls are so high. I don't want history to repeat itself.)

Now that I've stated my reasons above. I want to let you know my hopes for her. I hope that someday she'll stop putting her worth and depending on her life on my stepdad. She compromised a lot to be an acceptable mother for my half-brothers but life has an odd way of punishing her. I hope she'll stop getting pregnant. I mean, we're a total of 5 now. Ain't that enough? 

Ma, I hope in your next life, you'll learn to value yourself and your goals. I want you to be successful and happy, even if that would mean I won't exist in the next lifetime. With that, I am thankful that you chose to keep me and let me live in this world. You were young when you had me. I know you're scared and unsure what to do but you still kept me and let me experience life and its ups and downs. I wouldn't meet my friends and I wouldn't love hard if I didn't exist.

I wish you'll have a great life in the next because of all the trauma and suffering you went through. And I hope you've learned your lesson as well. 

Please know that I still pray for your well-being despite our ugly past together. 

Your eldest, 

-E.

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