When Healing Comes In Waves

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They say healing comes in waves.

 It’s never linear, they said. And I can attest to that—there are days when I feel happy and whole.

And then there are the bad days too.

It’s inevitable. That’s what I’ve realized. In this healing journey I’m on, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned that I can be strong and kind, and still assert my boundaries. I’ve learned to value my worth. I know what I bring to the table.

Because of that, my dating life is peaceful. My mind and body warn me when someone isn’t good for me. When you know the pattern, it’s easier to brush off suitors who aren’t sure about you or don’t bring peace into your life. It’s easier to let them go—and watch them love someone else.

I’m not being picky. I just know I deserve more. I deserve respect. I deserve a healthy relationship—not a trial-and-error one. So yes, I’m at peace with being alone for now.

I’ve learned to overcome the things that scare me. To stand up for myself when I need to. To be my own hero.

On my bad days—my relapse days—I’ve noticed I’m too hard on myself. I pressure myself to get better ASAP because I’m terrified of losing myself again. I don’t want to go back to square one.

I cry for a week, then I snap back to my happy self. For the past 7–8 months, this has been my rhythm. Breaking down and crying have become my closest companions. They know my ugly parts—the parts I don’t talk about.

I’m learning to forgive myself. To stop feeling guilty for being inadequate. That feeling of not being enough—it’s painful. Especially when you’re questioning your worth and your purpose.

Guilt is one of the heaviest things I’ve ever felt. That nagging voice saying, “You should’ve done this. You should’ve said that.” But I can’t change the past. It’s not worth fretting over things, people, or situations that are already gone.

I’m slowly learning to accept that. I’ve been restless today. I guess my mind is in survival mode again. Midterms are almost over, and my day off is near.

Being in survival mode for years is exhausting. So I started practicing yoga and meditation last year. It helped—a lot. It released tension and calmed my anxiety.

Even so, I love my healing self. I’m not perfect. I have ugly parts and beautiful ones. I just hope I’ll get better soon. And when that time comes, I hope everything falls into place.

To the ups and downs of life.

With love, 

-E.

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