Conversations over dinner

Patrick asked me over dinner, "How satisfied are you with your life right now, mahal?"

As a girly who compartmentalizes everything,  I obviously had to clarify first. I asked, "In general? Or for every aspect of my life?"

In general, I am very satisfied. 

I'm at a point in my life where I can provide for my loved ones. We can do our groceries without looking at the prices of the things we put in our cart. I'm able to share the overflow with our friends and family. We can buy things we want without feeling guilty about splurging once in a while. Being able to do these things feels really good because I know how much work it took for me to get here. 

It's not even really about being able to afford things. It's about the feeling of being able to give without worrying if I'll have enough left for myself. To be in a position where I can say, "go let's get it", without having to overthink it. That kind of abudance is something I'm genuinely grateful for. 

And in the other ares of my life, I can also say that I've grown a lot. 

As a former people pleaser, being able to stand up for myself, even to a manchild, was a big deal for me. I used to think that keeping the peace meant keeping quiet, understanding everyone, and just letting things slide. Now, I've learned that sometimes standing up for yourself is more important than being liked. 

It was satisfying, to say the least. 

And lastly, I finally had the nerve to cut some friends out of my life. Now, don't look at me like that. I meant, I finally had the nerve to remove the people who don't bring value and peace in my life. That was probably one of the harder things for me because I tend to hold on to people for a long time. I value history. I value the memories we shared and the years we spent knowing each other. So letting go of people wasn't something I took lightly.  

But I think I've finally reached that point where I'm okay with accepting people for who they are and accepting that not everyone is meant to stay in my life forever. I don't feel the need to force connections anymore just because we've known each other for years. I don't feel the need to keep explaining myself just so people understand my side. And I don't feel guilty for choosing my own peace anymore. 

So when Patrick, the love of my life, asked  me how satisfied I am with my life right now, I realized, that yeah, I actually am. Not because everything's perfect. It definitely isn't. Accepting things without getting my justice over a situation I've been villainized and bullied over and over is one of my greatest achievement this year. I let them be. I let them do the talking and I shifted my focus on other stuff, like my new work. 

And there are still thing I want. There are still goals I'm working on, places I want to go, things I want to experience, and versions of myself I still want to become. But I'm also able to look at what I have now and appreciate it. I worked for this life. I prayed for some of it. I cried over some of it. I outgrew people for some of it. And I had to become a different version of myself to be able to enjoy some of it. 

There were so many versions of me who had no idea how things would turn out. The version of me who was just trying to survive, the version of me who kept saying yes to everyone, the version of me who was scared to let people go, and the version who constantly questioned if she was doing enough.

I had to work for it. I had to learn. I had to lose people. I had to disappoint some people. I had to disappoint myself, too, sometimes. And most importantly, I had to learn how to choose myself without feeling guilty about it.

And I think that’s why I’m able to appreciate my life more now.

Because I know what it took to get here.

-E. 

Writer's note: Wow just wow. With just one dinner conversation, it turned into a long blog entry. I just want to give credit where it's due... to my love, my supporter, my best friend and enemy,  my everything, my Patrick. Every reflective posts here is because you ask me mentally stimulating questions over dinner. I love you. I love us. Thank you for being my anchor.